“She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language.And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” into the sky.”
The question always arises, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. Knowing myself then, I probably would have said “who knows, or even cares”. But in the last five years my life has had some pretty crazy twists and turns that even I would never have been able to predict. Between my DUI (we will save that for another post), the relationships I’ve gained and lost, and the birth of my beautiful son, this roller coaster I’ve been on has been the best one yet. I believe that regardless of what has happened, it brought me here. Right where I’m supposed to be.
When you’re young, your parents do their best to prepare you for your future away from home. If you are one of the lucky ones, they will teach you all of life’s lessons, teach you how to work hard for things you want, and when you fall, they are right there to pick you back up and keep you on the right path. What happens to those who weren’t so lucky to have a healthy parent-child relationship? What happens when the child is left to “parent” the parent? You get a 17 year old who is more lost now than ever before. You get a bright intelligent young developing human who doesn’t know any better than to find a crutch to lean on, or be a crutch for someone else to lean on.
I have struggled greatly with my identity my entire life. Who am I? What was I put here for? Why should such a young child be put in such a terrible situation? I was supposed to be discovering my feelings. I was supposed to be figuring out how to manage them, and contain them. Instead, at 5 and 6 years old, I was learning how to put my mothers emotional needs before my own, and learning how to manage and contain her feelings and break downs. I believe with all of my heart that she did her very best. But I can’t help but wonder what my future would have been like had I gotten the proper development.
At 17, I fell in love, moved out to live with my boyfriend and his family,started going to counselling again, got a job, started partying, and did so for the next few years. After a few slip ups, getting my heart broken for the first time, counseling wasn’t free anymore, the partying started being a ritual, promiscuous sex was my therapy, and my need for love, guidance and acceptance grew. At this point the only thing I knew about myself was that I knew nothing at all. If it weren’t for the amazing man who came back to save me from myself, and my DUI, I can’t even fathom what life would have been like.
I know I have a long way to go, but the name of this blog, couldn’t be further from the truth. This is literally going to be a journey to find myself. I have been a prisoner of depression, anxiety and guilt for too long. It’s time to be a better version of myself, It’s time to say yes to life.